Amanda Cousino

Busy, Busy, Busy

2006-03-12T14:03:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of my 9 day vacation. I have decided to not leave the house today in hopes of recovering from the past week. I have been doing a whole lot of running around during this "vacation". I must say I have gotten quite a bit accomplished though. I finally turned in my truck. I am so glad to have that off of my hands. I definately upgraded vehicles, not that there was anything major wrong with the truck. I am now driving a 2005 Dodge Stratus. It is beautiful. It has so much more room than the Ranger. It is a sleek family car, which is what I need. I am extremely happy with it. Unfortunately I cannot elaborate on how great my life is going in fear that one of my obnoxious co-workers might actually read this and twist all of my words around. Just know that I AM FANTASTIC! I will be getting a new blog site soon and for those of you who I am able to trust will be getting an email of my new site address. I hope everyone is doing well. Have a great week!

2006-02-19T03:53:00.000-08:00

This past month has really given me a glimpse of how to live a happy existance even when things around you are not going the way you would hope. I am trying my hardest to stay positive and I am for the most part succeeding thanks to the power of prayer. It is Sunday morning and I am awake far earlier than I hoped to be. I actually woke up at 5 o'clock. I was just about to start my laundry when the thought of blogging came to me. I just wanted to do a fast update to let you know what has been going on.

About work...

Things are still rough. People are still ignorant and obnoxious. I am dealing with things more gracefully. I have come to the conclusion that nobody at work really likes each other, not like we used to. It used to be that when I walked into work, it was like walking in to see my family; the family that I enjoyed being around. Now I find it more and more difficult each and everyday to get up and return to that place. I have been praying on it a lot and I still manage to walk in there everyday with a positive attitude and a smile on my face. The fact that I can do this and make it look easy annoys the heck out of my co-worker on the dya shift. The situation with her is really difficult for me ot understand. She has no hesitations telling me how much she hates me and how much she wishes she diidn't have ot see me. The kicker is...she says all of this to my face and then on my off day, when she has a chance to not talk to me, she calls me to yell at me for outrageous things. She is out of control and doesn't even realize it. It is very sad. I have reported her inappropriate actions to my boss and things are being taken care of.

About Family...

Chad is still engaged. He asked me to be in the wedding a couple days ago. As much as I don't want to be in the wedding I am going to grin and bear it just so he knows how much I love him. I am NOT looking forward to wearing a dress again. While discussing the issue with my mother I jokingly told her that each of my brothers get one wedding a peice, so if it doesn't work out and they end up marrying someone else...I am not standing up in anymore. I also told Chad that I was not going to go for any stipulations like Nick set for his wedding. Nick and Jen begged me to not get anymore tattoos or peircings for their wedding. I told Chad I have plans for a couple more tattoos in the next year and he said not a problem I want you to be you. And I made sure he knew that I would not grow my hair back out for anyone...he said he would never aske me to do such a thing.

Justin is back in the hospital. Things are pretty rough in that area. I have been spending a lot of time with Alyssa, hopefully by spending time with her she has less time to think about what is going on with the rest of the family.

As for the rest of the family...Please keep them in your prayers.

About me...

I am fantastic! Things are really going well with me personally.

Sometimes

2006-02-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I really cannot stand people. This statement rings most true of my co-workers. This blog will more than likely be me venting...pre-warning. I don't know why but certain co-workers of mine feel it necessary to invade my privacy. The kicker of it all is...these people of whom I speak of actually have no idea what is going on in my personal life. So they make assumptions and feel it is okay to share thier views on my situation with anyone and everyone who might listen. This is EXTREMELY upsetting to me. I have been at my job for 4 years, and in that time I have never done anything to anyone here to purposly upset them or stress them out. The truth is...I don't give a damn about what goes on in thier personal lives. So why do they care so much about mine? Because they are pathetic, lonely, ugly people who obviously have no personal life of thier own.

Okay now that I have gotten that out...any suggestions on how to handle this situation? I have taken steps to try to get rid of this problem, but these people are relentless. I no longer participate in group discussions about anything, I avoid small talk with all of them, and I only talk when absolutly necessary to discuss client care. Who knows...maybe this is the push I need to get out of here. I just don't know what to do anymore...this stress is taking a huge toll on my emotional being and my personal relationships. There are so many lies being told about me that it is starting to make me look like the liar to those most valuable to me.

Awake and Yet Asleep

2006-02-01T05:05:00.000-08:00

I thought I was over the days of talking and walking in my sleep. Apparently I was wrong. I got home around 10 p.m. on Monday night and retired to my bedroom for my slumber at about 11 p.m. According to my room mates I came out of my room around 1 a.m. and walked straight into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door, closed it and walked out, back down the hall and into my room. I do not remember this happening in the least bit. Kay said she was trying to talk to me but I just kept looking through her. This is frightening to me. I suppose I should buy some extra locks for the front door to keep me at home at night. Any suggestions?

Passing Me By

2006-01-14T16:12:00.000-08:00

These last couple of weeks have been so unbelievably jam packed that it has left me in aww of where all my time has actually gone. I seem to spend at least 3 hours every other day at the doctors about my hand. They put me back into therapy and gave me a new splint to wear for a week while on steroids. After a week, if the problem persists, I have to go get an EMG study to see if there is any nerve damage. Working with this pain has been almost unbearable.

It seems like every night when I finally get a moment to myself to think about things, all I can think about are all the phone calls I was supposed to make or all the chores that I have not completed. Most of all, at the end of the day I feel sad. Sad about how things are going with my friendships/relationships. Sometimes I feel like such a bad friend. I will always be there for someone I care about, no matter what. And just because I don't get to call or visit as much as I would like to doesn't mean that I don't care. I am trying to get my life back into perspective...I really am.

Sick and Tired

2006-01-06T05:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. like it always does. However, yesterday I wokr up feeling worse than I have in quite a while. I have been fighting what I thought was a couple for a couple of weeks now. Yesterday I made it to work right on time. After work I had to go back to Concentra to get my arm rechecked from the fall 2 weeks ago. They said that there is nerve damage and that it should get better with time. I will be going to my doctor for a second opinion. After I got out of there I ran home to take a shower before taking myself to teh urgent care facility by my house. For the last couple of weeks I have been fighting what I thought was a cold. Come to find out that I have acute bronchitis. The doctor said that if I would have waited that there was a good chance that I would have developed pneumonia by the end of next week. He gave me some medicine and sent me on my way. The kicker of it all is that I am not contagious so I am still aloud to work. It is difficult to work like this, I am having a lot of difficulty breathing.

I cannot wait until 2 p.m. I am so ready to go home, take my cough medicine, and take a long well deserved nap.

New Year...New Attitude

2006-01-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

I wrapped up 2005 with a sprained hand, wrist, forearm, and elbow. Not to mention this cold that I cannot seem to shake. I did not celebrate the New Year, in fact, I wish I would have just slept through it. I hate waking up in the morning and feeling like the previous day was a complete waste of time. That is exactly how I felt this morning when I woke up. I am glad I got to stop by my aunt and uncle's house early yesterday...but other than that my New Year was broken in with fighting and tears...just like when I was younger. Except this time it wasn't my family that was breaking my heart.

I have a bad habit of pretending things are okay with life and my personal relationships. I don't know who I am trying to kid. Life is okay right now...it has definatly been better...but it has also been much worse. I have a lot of things to accomplish this year. I have grown up so much these last couple of years. I was finally feeling like I was on the right path with me for a while. But recently I have felt like I have been slipping a bit. I am reverting back to being a with-held person. I promised I would never become that again. I ruined the best thing ever because I held all of my feelings in. I never wanted to discuss or show any of my inner feelings with people. This pushed people away, people I loved, people that actually loved me. The kicker is that I really liked myself when I was finally able to discuss my thoughts and feelings with loved ones. I finally opened up enough to show love to someone. And now that I have finally learned all these things...I have no one to prove myself to, no one to show love to. I know things happen for reasons, recent events have taught me a lot. I have learned that Karma does exsist and it will come back to bite you in the ass.

I don't want to waste my time crying anymore. This year is the year to take action. Maybe I will never be loved like I once was ever again. But maybe I will. I am to young and to important to myself to feel bad about wanting to show love to someone. God help me this year.

It's raining surgery

2005-12-21T05:24:00.000-08:00

This week has been rather stressful. My mother had surgery on Monday...her second cervical fusion. She should be home from the hospital by now. I am going to try to call her a bit later. Not many people I know are up at this hour. Alyssa had her tonsils removed yesterday morning. Her mother called me to let me know everything had gone well. I am really looking forward to talking to her again when she is able.

All of the clients are sick at work, so I am just waiting on the sickness to arrive at my door step. Things are going really well with the new room mates. It is nice to not be so alone during this time of the year. They are very quiet, and well organized...BONUS! I was really worried about how I would handle new people in the house, but suprisingly I am doing very well with it. Who knows, maybe this will make me less neurotic about things. I think they think it is funny how much I clean and shower. I'll continue taking it one day at a time.

Christmas Craziness

2005-12-19T07:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the Christmas party at the group home where I work. It seems like every year after the party I try to put out of my mind exactly how much work I have to do for the party. So every year I am just shocked at the amount of cleaning and cooking I, personally, have to do. I started cooking on Saturday. It took four hours to make an enormous Better than Sex cake. Everyone loved it...how could they not? After the cake I drove up to work and prepared the Hot and Honey BBQ wings that I had to cook before the party. When I finished with that I made 5lbs of Spahgetti Salad. I finished the salad around 4 a.m. Sunday morning. I stayed up until 7 a.m. and then took a short nap before getting up at 9 a.m. I made it to work somewhere around 10 o'clock. I immediatly started cooking the wings and peeling potatoes..10lbs of potatoes to be exact. Once I put the potatoes on to boil I started my very first attempt at mostaccioli...it was excellent. I got all kinds of compliments on it. Once I got that in the oven, I finished the mashed potatoes. Then came the meatballs, luckily all I had to do was throw those in the oven and be done with them.

We had an excellent turn out, well over 50 people came. Everyone seemed to have a good time. I, however, wanted to pass out around 6 p.m. My boss let me leave right before the party ended. I am thankful I missed the clean-up part. When I got home my new room mates Ronni and Kay had arrived and so we moved all of thier stuff into the spare room. Alyssa came over to talk for a bit. I am so glad she did. I got to sleep around midnight and woke up at 4:30 a.m. for work. I am quite tired today, maybe I will get to take a nap later...yeah right. For now, I will just hold onto the thought of being able to sleep a little later on Saturday. Only 5 days left until I can rest...yippie!

A Whole New World

2005-12-16T04:10:00.000-08:00

For those who know me best, know how much I hate going to the doctors office. The only doctor that I actually keep up with is my dentist. I had gone 5 years without going to an opthamologist, even though I have pretty good optical insurance. Yesterday I had no choice but to go. Here's what happened...

My co-worker Shannon and I were outside fixing the blow up Grinch for the millionth time this month, when she decided to initiate a snow ball fight. This little brawl turned into an all day war. We decided to team up and just attack those coming into work for the afternoon shift. It was perfect we had 4 buckets of premade snow balls ready to go. My glasses had gotten fairly wet from the falling snow so I decided to clean them off before the next shift arrived. I took them off of my face and as I went to clean them on my shirt they snapped righ tin half. Absolutly no chance in fixing them. So being the good friend she is, Shannon took me to DOC to get new glasses. She said it had nothing to do with being a good friend, rather she didn't want to be on the road the same time I was if I couldn't see.

All in all it was an eventful day. This just makes it a little easier for me to cancel Christmas. It was worth it though. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It had been quite a while since I had played in the snow like that. I felt...young.

Forever Young

2005-12-13T04:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget that I am only 23 years old. Maybe it is because everyone around me forgets I am so young. I know that life experience matures a person. If that is the case than I understand why I feel like such an old soul. I was told yesterday by a co-worker that I do not act my age. At first, I was offended. But then she explained her statement. She said it isn't a bad thing that I seem older than I actually am, she says it makes it easier for me to relate to more people. However, in her eyes, and the eyes of many people in my life, I need to stop thinking like I am middle aged and enjoy my youth. This got me thinking...when do I actually feel my age? My immediate anwser is...I feel the youngest when I feel free from the pressures of society. Every summer I take a couple trips up north to keep things in perspective. Nothing is more freeing to me than jumping on a four wheeler and taking off into the woods. Being one with nature, if you will. The only other time I have felt young and vibrant was when I was with my true love.

I find myself trying to compensate for things that I have lost in the past. Maybe a better word to use would be "replace" things I have lost. I have realized that there is no way to replace certain things...people. Maybe these thoughts are being magnified because my relationship is falling apart. Probably not...I have been thinking this way for the past year. I guess you just can't shake some things. I just pray that whatever is suppose to be will be. In the meantime, I will hope that things will end up how I feel like they are supposed to be.

Oh...What a week

2005-12-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

This has been an unusually long and hectic week. I cannot believe t has been so long since I have posted. So much has been going on.

Last Thursday, December 1st, Alyssa took me to a concert at Cobo. The concert was called The Night 89X Stole Christmas 8. I have been trying to get tickets to that show for the last 5 years. Every year they sell out. This year Alyssa suprised me withtickets. There were 9 bands that perfomed. The bands included 311, Our Lady Peace, The Living Things, Social Code, Alien Ant Farm, Coheed and Cambria, Fall Out Boy, and 2 more that I cannot remember for the life of me. The show was amazing...I had an absolute blast!

Last Saturday, December 3rd, was our company Christmas party at the Livonia Holiday Inn. The party was a lot of fun. Alyssa and I both won prizes from the drawing they had. Alyssa won $50 cash, and I won $125 gift certificate to Home Depot. I went yesterday to pick up 500lbs of sand for the back of my truck. I didn't even slide a little this morning on the way to work.

The work week was fairly uneventful. We did a lot of decorating at work. Some of our staff has been cut so know we are only running 2 of us on day shift. This has been a very exhausting week. Both my body and mind are wore out.

I am looking forward to a nice peaceful weekend off of work. My goal is to just relax. I have no where to go all weekend and I pray it stays that way.

Regrets

2005-11-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if the amount of regret I hold inside has any validity at all. I wonder if the reason I miss certain people or certain things is because I really need them in my life or if it is just my over-active mind trying to stay busy. Lately I have found myself putting a lot of focus on lost friends and lost lovers. I probably should not have pluralised the word "lover". Maybe it is the holidays coming down on me again. Or maybe its because I am a different person than I was when they were in my life. I cannot help but wonder what things would have been like if I would have just sucked it up and delt with the dissapointment I placed in my family. Now a year later, I finally said "screw everyone, I've got to be me." I really caused some people a lot of pain, and I cannot express how terrible I feel about it now. I don't want it to seem as if I am not happy with Alyssa, because I am ecstatic about our relationship. I just can't help but wonder, What if? I suppose the first love is the hardest to get over...or do you ever truly get over something like that?

BAH HUMBUG!

2005-11-25T07:58:00.000-08:00

I tried my hardest yesterday to put on a happy face and pretend to enjoy the holidays. Terry came up from New Orleans for Thanksgiving, he called me at 7 a.m. yesterday morning and woke me up. He then stopped by at 8 a.m. to make sure I was up so that we could spend some time together. I realized how much I actually miss him after seeing him for the first time in 3 months.

I was scheduled to be at my grandparents house at 1 p.m. for a quick bite to eat before coming into work at 2 p.m. I arrived at 12:45 p.m. Promptness is greatly appreciated in my family. I also found out that my younger brother is engaged. God help the both of them! Of course, once he had announced it to the family...everyone started riding my back about when am I going to get married. I just laugh at that question now. My answer is simply...when ever I find the right person and whenever they make it legal. It really sucks that people like me don't have the smae rights as others. It puts a lot in perspective, I have a much greater understanding to how the world we live in works.

Holiday Traditions

2005-11-23T03:21:00.000-08:00

The majority of the people in my life will be gathered with there families tomorrow giving thanks and celebrating each others company. I think this is a wonderful tradition. It gives you the opportunity to get togther with people you may otherwise not see. I believe it helps to keep honesty in the family. The holidays were always a good way to find out all the family secrets. I suppose it is the proper outcome to mixing turkey, football, and beer.

I will be working tomorrow afternoon while both sides of my family celebrate this holiday. This is my Thanksgiving Day tradition. I have worked afternoons on Thanksgiving the last 4 years in a row. Every year Shannon and I work, I cook, and we put up all of the interior Christmas lights at work. It may be fewer people here on the holidays, but at least I am still with family.

A night to remember

2005-11-18T01:50:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night may have been one of the best nights of my life. I had more fun on Wednesday than I can ever remember having. My best friend Noelle, from high school, took me to a concert at St. Andrew's Hall. The concert featured three really excellent bands. Bif Naked was the first to play. They opened the show with a bang. After thier set they came out to sign autographs and hang out with the fans. I had the pleasure of drinking a couple beers with her and the band. The picture you are looking at is one of Bif Naked, after the show. It was taken on my camera phone so the image is a little distorted. Next up was a new group called Hinder. They are quickly becoming one of my favorites. They also came out to meet the fans. The lead singer bought me a shot and a beer and we talked for a while. Noelle's mother has pictures of all of us hanging out. Hopefully I will get copies in the near future. The last band to perform was Default. Default is one of my very favorite bands at the moment. They were awesome. Unfortunatly I got kicked out before I was able to meet them. Luckily I got kicked out at the end of the very last song they played, so I didn't miss much. And if you are wondering why I got kicked out of a hard rock concert...my anwser is simply...it was a case of mistaken identity. That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Just another day...

2005-11-16T07:49:00.000-08:00

On Friday night I had some friends over for a small get together. We had a blast. I ended up going to bed around 7 a.m. on Saturday morning. Unfortuantly I woke up at 8 a.m. At least I got an hour of rest. I blame my restlessness that day on the fact that I knew my apartment needed to be cleaned up and I couldn't rest until it was completed. Saturday ended up being a very lasy day. I needed that. Sunday was my actual birthday. It was kind of sad. I did not shut my phone off, most of my birthday phone calls came in before 10 a.m. I really wish I would have shut it off, maybe I wouldn't have been so sad. None of my family called to wish me a happy birthday. I guess I shouldn't be suprised. My friend Christina took Alyssa and I out to breakfast, that was nice. I did nothing but laundry between the hours of 2pm and 7 pm. Alyssa took me out to dinner which was nice. I just wish we both would have shut our phones off. I hate being interupted, it doesn't seem to bother Alyssa nearly as much as it bothers me. After dinner she took me to the movies to see SAW 2. I loved it. All in all, it was just another day.

Why I Work

2005-11-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you'll hear me complain about my job and the long hours that I work. Sometimes I almost believe myself when I say I hate my job. I wanted to share a picture with all of you of my very favorite client in the entire world. His name is Albert. he is the biggest sweetheart I have ever met. I suppose I am sharing this because I am finally starting to realize why I do the work that I do. It is because of this man and the faces of my other clients.

It seems that no matter how bad of a mood I may come to work with, when I see the smiling face of this man, I forget why I was even mad. This morning I snuck into Albert's room to put away some laundry. I thought he was asleep. When I turned around to check on him he had the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face. This is how he responses to me. Every morning without fail I am greeted with a smile. This is why I do what I do. I love this man, and I love my job. I thank God everyday for the opportunity to make a difference in thier lives.

Update

2005-11-10T03:39:00.000-08:00

Things are as crazy as ever on the home front. Things are getting rough with Justin once again. They are looking into placing him in a long term care facility. It saddens me to hear that but maybe it is what he needs at this point.

I cannot wait until this work week is over. I am so overly exhausted right now. I worked fro 6a-2p on Wednesday and had to turn around and be back at work at 10p on Wednesday and am stuck working until 2p Thursday afternoon. I did get some sleep within the 8 hours I was off of work. However, the sleep I did get was restless. I don't think I have ever had so many terrible nightmares within such a short period of time. I am going to blame it on stress at this point. I just pray that I will not have anymore experiences waking up crying.

This weekend promises to be an interesting one. On Friday a couple of my friends an I are getting together to have some good old fashion fun. On Saturday I plan on recovering from the festivities. Then comes Sunday...the day that I will be shutting my phone off and ignoring the entire world. Why? Because its my birthday and I will do whatever makes me happy. Alyssa has something up her sleeve i am just not sure what it is yet. She keeps asking me "what do you want for your birthday?" The simple answer is...nothing. I don't enjoy "birthday time". I don't like having birthday partys or making a big fuss. All i really want to do on my birthday is sleep in, relax, and at some point go to the movie theatre and see Saw 2. We shall see how this birthday turns out.

3 Day Weekends

2005-11-07T13:43:00.000-08:00

I think of all of my guilty pleasures in life, 3 day weekends tops the list. I was fortunate enough to have one this past weekend. And I just so happen to have one coming up this weekend as well. I had such a blast this past weekend. On Thursday night I got together with the old high school friends and we ended up partying until 5 a.m. Around 3 a.m. that morning they decided to highlight my hair. For as intoxicated as we were, it turned out rather nicely. I didn't do anything on Friday, I was sick the whole day. I am blaming it on the flu shot I go the day before. My little sister Alyssa spent the night Friday night and we spent all day on Saturday together. I didn't realize how much I actually missed her. Saturday night a couple of my friends from work came over to hang out. That was reallly nice. We sat down and talked for over 6 hours. I love that I have friends I can do that with. The greatest part about it was the fact that the television was never turned on. The radio was on for background noise, but other than that just us talking about everything.

Sweet November

2005-11-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

Thank God October is over with. Our state inspection went GREAT! We got through it with no citations and no suggestions. Apparently that is the best score possible. I am just thankful we got through it and we don't have to worry about it for another year.

This past weekend was a lot of fun. I went to Jackie and Katie's annual Halloween party on Friday. I went to my Aunt Karen and Uncle Gary's Halloween party on Saturday. When I left the party on Saturday I went out to the east side of Detroit to a little bar for their Halloween party. For anyone that really knows me knows that I love Halloween like most people love Christmas. I know that Christmas is a celebration of our Lord Jesus' birthday and I respect that aspect of the holiday. But overall, I could definatly go without the whole "holiday" experience. I suppose that over the years holidays started becoming less and less meaningful for me. Now that I am out on my own, living by myself for the time being, I finally feel like I have a choice on how I want to celebrate the holiday season. Honestly, if it were up to me I would lock myself in my room from November 13th until January 2nd. I have what I like to call a quadruple whammy...birthday, Thanksgiving, Christams, New Years. There is barely anytime to breathe, let alone celebrate. I realize I have obligations tyo be certain places, such as my Grandma Cousino's house on Christmas eve, and Christina's house Christmas Night. But other than that...NOTHING! I have decided to avoid my family as much as I possibly can throughout this season. That might make me sound like a bad person, but I cannot let them stress me out anyomre. Tha holiday's are rough enough without all of the yelling and screaming.

And for those of you who keep calling me everyday for the "countdown to another year older" I already know I have 11 days left stop reminding me. I don't mind getting older at this point and you are all giving me a complex.

A Complete Success

2005-10-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

The haunted house turned out to be completly amazing. I wasn't sure we were going to pull it off, but we did and it was quite a spectical. I have been complimented so much about it. I feel a great sense of pride when I am able to get everybody so excited about something. I was so happy that a couple of my friends made it up here to see our accomplishment. I am proud of my team. I will hopefully be able to post some pictures next week sometime. Now...I better get back to cleaning this place up, our state inspection is in 2 days. Pray for Us.

It's that time again...

2005-10-20T04:44:00.000-07:00

These next 2 weeks at work are by far the most exhausting and irritating weeks of my calander year. On Monday and Tuesday we are having our annual Tyler 2 Haunted House experience. This is were we turn our delightful group home into a terrifying house of horrors. We have a lot of imaginative people that work at this house. However, I always end up getting put in charge and spending all of my extra time working on all of the little details. I am getting quite annoyed this year with the lack of help from my co-workers. I keep telling them I am only one person and I am not Wonder Woman. We are having a meeting about it today when day shift arrives.

On top of getting ready for our hauted house we are also preparing for our annual state inspection which is taking place next Friday. I hate these inspections. I know that they are necessary but they are so stressful. I am scheduled to have the weekend off, but with the way things are looking now...I might as well bring a couple changes of clothes to get me through the weekend. SO MUCH to do...SO LITTLE time.

Sweetest Day

2005-10-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

Happy Sweetest Day! Usually I am the last one you'll find celebrating one of these holidays made up by the chocolate companies. Maybe things are different this year because I am in a relationship with a wonderful person, who really makes me happy. I racked my brain trying to figure out what to get Alyssa for Sweetest Day. Then I sat back and started putting some serious thought into it. I decided to make her a blanket, I am positive she'll love it. I have a blanket that was made for me last year that I absolutely love but Alyssa keeps trying to take it so I decided by making her one of her own it might take the heat off of my rubber duckie blanket that I hold so dear.

On a different note...

My day off yesterday was GREAT! I woke up at 7 a.m. I then took a shower and ran up to work to get my check, after that...the bank, post office, and Mom's to get in our weekly argument. I then went on a shopping trip in search of a birthday present. I ended up getting a card and buying Alicia's drinks all night. I never know what to get her. I love her to death but she is so picky.

The "party" was interesting as they always are. I stayed there until 10 p.m. then drove to my uncle's house for a bit, and then at 11p.m. The girls called and we were off to Stilettos. What a blast. We watched a drag show, my friends reactions were priceless. After that we danced until 3:30 a.m. at the bar and then an after party. Alyssa picked me up from Canton, I believe, at 3:30a.m. I finally got to sleep around 6 this morning and I got up for work at 7:45 a.m. and suprisingly I am very alert and awake. I will be spending the afternoon resting and spending time at home.

Quick Note

2005-10-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to report that I finally got some quality sleep and I am all rested up. Tomorrow promises to be an action packed day, full of work, pop up fire drills, and an annual physical. Wish me luck I haven't been to the doctor in some time. Have a GREAT day!

Regret

2005-10-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

The wedding was absolutly beautiful. Beth looked gorgeous as did Noelle. I caught up with Noelle outside before the reception and she had told me that she had not planned her speech out for the toast. I laughed. Noelle does great when speaking from her heart...the speech was great. Congratulations Beth and Phil. May you have a lifetime of happiness together.

I am regreting agreeing to work this evening. I cannot remember ever being this exhausted. Every second that goes by my eye lids grow heavier and heavier. I ran out and got some Mountain Dew but that isn't working. I hate drinking that stuff anyway. I have 4 hours to go and I pray I make it through them and home without injury. I cannot wait to go home, shut my phone off, crawl under the covers and sleep until I am not able to sleep anymore. Of course than after I get up I get to come back here. Yikes!

Nap Time

2005-10-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

I think I have found a bit of time to take a short nap after work today. I am exhausted, and I have an insane work week ahead of me. I was able to get about 2 hours of sleep last night...but that is all I have had in almost 3 days now. Sometimes I get so caught up in the chaos and rush of life that I forget to sleep. I am however, breathing deep and drinking lots and lots of water. I am scheduled to leave work in 8 minutes. I can fit in an hour nap between 2:30p and 3:30p, and then the rest of my day begins. I am praying that I will get some high quality sleep tonight. Tomorrow I work from 6a-2p. I have a wedding in Witmore Lake at 4:30p. I am going to have to shower and get ready at work. Then I need to go pick up Alyssa and head out. She has to work at 11p, so at least I won't be out to far...to late. I am also scheduled to work midnights throughout the weekend and then days throughout the week. My next day off is Friday the 14th. What a day that will be! I wish I could say that I am going to relax that day but that isn't true. I have a Pure Romance party at 6p, and then I am off to Stilettos for my friend Alicia's birthday. Stilettos is a lesbian bar and my friends are all about supporting me. I think they are a bit curious. Jen said she has never been to anything "gay" before so I believe it will be an interesting evening.

A Breath of Fresh Air

2005-10-05T05:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an extremly hectic day. I tried my hardest to relax, breath, and drink lots of water. My morning at work was compltely insane. Things eased up a bit for a short time after getting out of work. I stopped by the old jr. high school to take to my friend Joyce. We had an amazing talk. I hope she knows how very much I appreciate our little chat. I met up with Mom and my siblings over Nick's last night to celebrate Justin and Alyssa's birthdays. The "party" was supposed to start at 6:30 p.m., for anyone that knows me, knows how obsessed I am with things starting on time. I had planned on leaving by 7:30 p.m. When I got to my brothers my mother hadn't even gone to get the ice cream yet. So I went to the store. When I got back, at 6:15p.m. I couldn't find my mom, she was hiding out just starting to wrap presents. I might not have gotten as annoyed as I did had my mother been in a better mood. I ended up leaving at 7:30 as planned. After that I met up with my girlfriend Alyssa and hung out for a bit. She left for work at 9:30 p.m. and I left for Jen's house. Jen, Alicia, and I were up all night talking and catching up...Good Times! I have yet to go to bed. I just started my day at work...it is another hat day for me.

TGIF

2005-09-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

The confrence went fairly well yesterday. It was very informative. We had a lot of fun too. However, this morning I got a phone call from my boss yelling at me for a bunch of different reasons. My initial reaction was to just walk out after being so disrespected. But I have become a much more rational person. SO I just locked myself into the bathroom until I calmed down enough to do my job.

I realized yesterday that I am not good at hiding things and feelings from everyone, no matter how hard I try.
There has been an issue that I have been stuggling with for as long as I can remember. I have tried everything in my power to deal with it. At first I ignored the way I felt, and then I tried to understand why I feel the way I do. The only thing I have yet to accomplish is accepting the fact that I cannot change the way I feel about this issue. I have tried desperatly to change myself. I think I have gotten to involved in attempting to get acceptance from everyone in my life. I am beginning to figure out that if these people love me as much as they say I do that they will accept me for who I am. I just wish that people were more open minded. I pray that someday I will have the courage to be who I truly am without being ashamed.

A whole lot of nothing

2005-09-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning I will be heading for the Annual Brain Injury Asociation of Michigan conference in Lansing The confrence starts at 8 a.m. Which means we need to leave work by 6 a.m. to avoid traffic. This simply means that I have to get up even earlier than normal so I can get ready. It is a formal affair so I suppose I should try to do something with my hair. I went and got it trimmed yesterday and just as the woman was finishing up...the salon lost power. I was just thankful she was done.

On a completly unrelated note...

I have been wondering an awful lot lately on why so many people are so interested in other people's business. It seems like I cannot go into work with out somebody trying to pry into my business. I choose not to talk about my personal life outside of work with my co-workers to hopefully avoid gossip. However, now I am seeing people coming to assumptions about what I have been doing on MY time. It seems that no matter where you go there will always be gossip. There will always be that one person that you can never make happy. There will always be that person that thinks that they somehow deserve to know what is going on in your life. To those people I say...Mind your own freaking business.

A quick note...

2005-09-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

I figured since I have not been able to post in a few days that I should make a quick note to let everyone know what I have been up to. I have been sick since Saturday...each day this virus or whatever it is that I have gets progressivly worse. I missed work yesterday but was able to pull myself together to come to work today. I feel like crap. I just cannot seem to shake this. Nyquil has been good to me this past week.

Monday I went to the UniverSOUL Circus with the clients from work. What a riot that was. I had a blast, I am sure I would have enjoyed it more had I not been feverish and coughing the enitre time. I will most likely go again next year.

I must go now. There is work to be done and I am moving in slow motion today. Only 1 1/2 hours to go until I can resume my spot under my covers with my Nyquil, Feel Better Bear Throat Pops, and Vitamin C drops. I cannot wait!

Blast from the Past

2005-09-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Chad informed me that he will be moving out at the end of October. So I am now in search of a new roommate. This should be an interesting endeavor.

On a completly unrelated note...

I went to Farmer Jack last night to pick up a couple of things. When I walked in I looked to my immediate left towards the bottle return area. An old friend of mine from high school just so happened to be returning bottles at that moment. So naturally I walked up to her to say hello. We got to talking and we ended up exchanging numbers. When I was through with my shopping I heaed to the checkout. For anyone that knows me knows how much I hate standing in lines. I get so irritated by crowds of people. I decided to go through the U-Scan line. I got in line directly behind Jenny and her husband Nick. We started talking again and decided to get together last night. I stopped over there around 8 p.m. and stayed until almost 4 this morning. At around midnight Alicia and Kristy stopped by too. It was like some sort of reunion. It was great. I have not seen or heard from any of them since we graduated over 5 years ago. We were the best of friends growing up. We did everything together. I really missed them, not a day has gone by where I don't look back and regret losing there friendship 5 years ago. I am just so so so happy I ran into Jen. For the past 5 years I have had quite a shortage of good friends, I am really hoping to rebuild the friendship we all once shared.

Today was supposed to be my day off...that didn't happen. Somehow I got ringed into working this morning for a few hours. And as soon as I got here I got asked to come in at 2 a.m. rather than 6 a.m. tomorrow. I only agreed because money is so tight right now and with Chad moving out...YIKES! I am going to end up working myself to death.

Things I have learned.

2005-09-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

Throughout the course of the last couple of years I have learned many important lessons. It wasn't until recently that I recognized exactly how much I have learned. I am going to share with you a few of the things I have learned.

1. You just can't please some people. <-- I have always felt like a dissapointment to some important people in my life. I never understood why I felt like a dissapointment until today. It is impossible for an all around unhappy person to make another person feel good about themselves. When you live in misery, you can't help but pull people down with you. This is why I have decided to remove myself from the presence of unhappy people.

2. Live everyday as if it were your last. <-- Life is to short to be taken seriously all the time. Relax...enjoy what God has given you. Have Fun!

3.Take Risks.<-- Is a life without risk worth living? If you risk doing something, even if you fall short of your goal, at least you can say you tried.

4. Laugh at yourself. <-- It takes a lot less energy to laugh at yourself when you make a fool of yourself than to worry about what everyone thinks about you.

5. Just Smile. <-- Sometimes when I am feeling down, I force myself to put my head up and just smile, even when it hurts. It will eventually make you feel somewhat better and it will keep people out of your business.

6. It is okay to cry. <-- Sometimes you just need to let it go and let the tears flow. It isn't healthy to hold everything in all the time.

Happy Birthday Christina!

2005-09-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my friend Christina. I hope you have a great day.

I am not feeling very well today. I think I am starting to get sick. This could be brought on be stress. Things are just getting worse and worse. My father called today with news about Justin. Justin is not doing well at all. The doctors and nurses at the hospital cannot seem to get him under control. They say that if he doesn't improve he will have to be placed in a group home. I don't know what to think about all of this.

Real Quick One

2005-09-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a quickie...
I had a really long, really bad day. Justin is back in the hospital. Please keep praying. I am about to run to Ann Arbor, hopefully I will get some sort of sleep tonight.

Annual Work Picnic

2005-09-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Our company picnic is on Saturday and is very rapidly approaching. Every year I play a HUGE role in organizing and setting up everything for the picnic. Last year I implemented a relay race for the staff. It went over great. It was my idea to have a team building exercise without the team realizing what we were actually doing it for. It was so much fun. I did have to eat something very disgusting and slide on a slip and slide.

I am really looking forward to the picnic. The relay race is going to be quite interesting. The only problem I see is my swollen and bruised up ankle. I have been icing and heating it and I have been taking pain killers, but I have a lot of running to do on Saturday. By the way...my legs are all bruised up from hitting a tree on the 4-wheeler (no I was not driving), and falling out of the canoe 3 times. I took some pics with my camera phone and posted them. I don't think the pain would be so bad if I had time to sit down and rest.

Please Pray...not just for my ankle but for the picnic. Something always seems to happen...I will be praying for a nice relaxing, fun day.

Please excuse the weird camera angles. You wouldn't believe how difficlut it was to take those.

Weekend of FUN!

2005-09-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

I just returned home from my weekend in Mio. I had an absolute BLAST! We left at 8:30 p.m. Friday night. We arrived at the cabin at 11 p.m. We stayed up and partied until about 3 a.m. Everyone was up by 10 a.m. on Saturday. There were about 20 of us all together. On Saturday we headed out to the Mio Bogs and MUd Drags. THat was quite an experience. If you have never been to a mud bog I suggest you go and check it out. Basically what it is; is a 200 foot mud pit that people try to drive through. It was extremly entertaining. Only 2 vehicles made it the whole way through. After the mud bogs we went back to the cabin, drank beer and road the 4 wheeler until 2 in the morning. I learned a lot of new games this weekend. On Sunday we all left the cabin at 11 a.m. and heaed to the Ausable River for our 5 hour canoe trip. For the people watching us...we gave them quite a show. Orlando and I were in a canoe together. He flipped us 3 times. I didn't mind the first time but after that I got tired of swimming down the river chasing after the beer, the ores, the cooler, the life jackets...everything. Iwasn't mad, just tired. It was so much fun. I am so happy that I decided to go.

On my way...

2005-09-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

It is now 7 o'clock. In an hour I will be on my way up north. In five minutes I will be leaving to go pick up my co-worker from work so we can head on out. I was stupid and passed up a golden opportunity to take a nap before I have to drive for 4 hours, in the dark. Although I do not normally drink Mountain Dew, I bought a couple to keep me up on the way there.

I just wanted to let you know that Justin got released from the hospital today. He will be going to the hospital for intensive outpatient therapy. I pray that things will be different, that things will get better. My faith is in he who strengthens me.

Seven...already?

2005-09-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

My youngest brother, Justin, turned seven years old today. I cannot believe the children have been part of our family for almost six years now. God is good. Sadly he had to spend his birthday in the hospital. He has been in the hospital for 12 days now and we have no idea when he is getting out. We did manage to make arrangments with the hospital staff to see Justin for 45 minutes today. I just got home actually. I am really trying to stay positive and for the most part I am managing well. But truthfully my heart is so broken from all of the pain my family has had to endure over the last 2 years that I don't know if I will even fully recover. I know that all I can do is pray and try not to bottle so much up. And believe me I have been in a constant state of prayer and meditation for sometime now. The part I have trouble with is the letting things out. This is my only means to do that so that I will do.

I look at what is going on in my life and I thank God I have it so good. Watching the news the last couple of days has been heart wrenching. I have been foloowing the coverage of Hurrican Katrina very closely thanks to my boss who is addicted to MSNBC and CNN. Watching all of the chaos in the world has been a huge eye opener for me. As I am watching the world around me fall apart I want nothing more than be able to help. I would love to be in a position to where I could donate my money, but I am not. So I called the Red Cross and told them that I can donate my time and my energy. Not just with this hurricane but disaters happen everywhere, even in Detroit. And God forbid something happen, but if it does I want to be in the position to help those who need it. I have an orientation class on Tuesday night in Detroit. We shall see what becomes of this.

What a workout!

2005-08-31T12:49:00.000-07:00

Today has been quite interesting. I started my day like any other. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. Then I took my routine "wake me up" shower. After my shower, I realized my glasses were missing.This left me in a stickiy situation that seemed impossible. The odds were against me. I have horrible vision without my glasses, I barely got any sleep, and it was 4:30 in the morning. I did end up finding my glasses. I found them in the utensil drawer in the kitchen. You may be wondering...How did your glasses end up in the utensil drawer in your kitchen? The answer is simple...I have no idea. I was so tired last night and I couldn't sleep. I remember making a glass of Sleepy Time Tea around 1 a.m. I did get a spoon out then. I probably wouldn't have found them at all this morning if I had not of eaten that bowl of oatmeal. I guess breakfast really is the most important meal of the day.

Work was insane. I had to take care of our 2 most demanding clients. Vicki was in a horrible mood. I tried to cheer her up. I did everything in my power to change her mood around but nothing worked. When things like this happen it frustrates me to no end. Then there is Bob. Bob is a huge practical joker with some seriously inappropriate behaviors. He was in one of his moods today. Demanding every second of my time. The problem with that is when I go near him he tries to grab me, or hit me, he even does hand gestures. It can get so hard to deal with. I have spent all of my life trying to stay away from men that treat me like that and now I work with one. At least Bob has an excuse for his actions. It was a typical day until lunch time. We are having some work done in our dining room so we fed the clients in the living room. Bob is one of our only clients that feeds themselves. I am still not sure what happened exactly. We were watching "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" and then all of the sudden Bob loses it. He completly flipped out. He threw a very large, very full glass of thickened chocolate milk at our brand new 72 inch television. Suprisingly enough he barely got anything on the t.v. He did however, soak all of our dvd's, cd's, assignment sheets, client daily log books, and our brand new stereo. My immediate response to all of this was to laugh. But I know better than to laugh in front of Bob and reinforce his bad behavior. So I ran to the back of the house and laughed for about 4 minutes straight. Until it hit me...I had to go clean up the mess. I scrubbed the carpet until I left at 2 o'clock. My arms are killing me.

What a workout!

This is the day that never ends...

2005-08-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

I am stuck at work for another 4 1/2 hours. I have been here for 11 1/2 already. I am holding up pretty well for now. It has been a really long week. Some have said that I am throwing myself into my work right now to avoid my problems at home. I wonder how true that actually is. I know that there is some definite truth to that statement. My boss couldn't be happier with me lately. The lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me. I can feel my eye lids getting heavier and heavier everytime I blink. As I stare at the computer screen the words all seem to jumble together making it impossible to read.

I cannot wait to get out of here. I am working with my only 2 male coworkers for the last 8 hours of my shift. I don't mind Orlando, he is a really nice guy who really appreciate the job we do for these people. And then there is Justin...He is 23 years old and in med school. If I didn't know any better I would guess him to have the maturity level of a 3 year old pre-schooler. He is fasinated with mirrors. By this I mean the kid cannot pass a mirror without studying himself in it and doing bad immatations of Al Pacino. At this exact moment he is looking at himself in the microwave and singing some rap song. Will this day ever end? At first I found Justin to be somewhat ammusing. Like watching someone fall. But now it is just painful to work with him. Kind of like how it feels after a person falls.

I know I am rambling and I apologize for that much. You will have to excuse me now I have 2 clients and a co-worker screaming in the livingroom.

God give me strength.

Oh What a Night!

2005-08-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

It is 7:50 a.m. and the countdown rolls on. Only 6 hours and 10 minutes until I get to leave. The first half of my shift went by exceptionally fast. It only seemed that way because the evening was so action packed. I came into work at 9:45 p.m. last night. At 10 p.m. a strange truck pulled up and around in the driveway. At 11 p.m. it happened again...same truck. Then again at 1 a.m. By the third driveby I was getting a little paranoid so I decided to put in a call to Van Buren's finest. The operator recognized my voice from calls I have had to make in the past. The Van Buren police are quite familiar with our group home. The operator said that she would send a squad car A.S.A.P. The squad car came through at about 4:45 a.m. What a rapid response. The funny part about the police finally showing up was that I just so happen to be outside walking back from next door after borrowing some Pine Sol. I was walking at a nice leisurely pace until I saw two headlights flying up the driveway. When I fixed my eyes on those lights my heart dropped and I ran as fast as I possibly could to the house, thinking that it might be the 2 suspisous men in the black pickup. It wasn't until I got to the front door when I realized that I was actually running from the police. It took a couple minutes to explain that one. Apparently I looked a little suspisous bolting from next door and away from the cop.

What a night. I pray that our house be protected from whatever outside forces that may try to bring us down. Last night was the second night in a row the mysterious truck appeared. I pray that I never see it again.

6 hours to go...I cannot wait to crawl into bed and go to sleep. Good Morning/Night!

Hard Days Night

2005-08-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

It is 4:45 p.m. on Saturday. I worked this morning. That means I woke up at 4:30 a.m. I went to see Justin at the hospital after work. He seems to be adjusting to the enviorment for the time being. Please just continue to pray. I have to be back at work at 10 p.m. this evening. I will be working until 2 p.m. tomorrow afternoon. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. Drained would be a good word to describe how I am feeling. I am going to go lay down and God willing I will be able to get some quality sleep before work. I am going to need a tiny miracle. I belive it will happen.

Please Pray!

2005-08-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

Oh my what a long day it has been. I started my day this morning at 5:45 a.m. I got to sleep in a whole hour later than usual, how very exciting. I spent my day in Livonia teaching CPR and First Aid. I was up pretty late last night revising my lesson plan. I am so glad I did! The classes could not have gone any smoother. I got fantastic feedback from my students. I am pretty geeked about that. I prayed the entire way to Livonia this morning...that was a long ride, traffic was unbelievable for that early in the morning. I showed a lot of enthusiasum, which really seemed to rub off on my students. It might be easier for me to have a lot of energy so early in the day because I am so accustomed to it.

Things were great until I called my mother. She informed me that my youngest brother, Justin, is in the hospital. For those of you who do not know, my 2 youngest siblings are adopted. Justin suffers from epilepsy and fetal alcohol syndrome. When he was younger it was not that obvious that he had some problems but as he gets older his behaviors are getting worse and worse. This has caused an unbelievable strain on the entire family. I just ask anyone who reads this to please pray for him and the situation that my family is in right now. The problem I see is this: Justin, along with having some brain damage, is very confused right now. He does not have any stablity in his life. The poor kids get tossed back and forth between my parents every week. They live out of suitcases for pete's sake. And then there is Mom...who loves to blame every problem in the world on herself. She feels defeated by Justin. I hope that makes sense. She feels like it is all her fault. I just don't see why she doesn't see how much good the family has done for those 2 little ones.

I don't think I can talk about this anymore right now. It is just to painful to think about my family anymore. Please Pray...I could really use the help.

Loaded Questions

2005-08-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

For Christmas last year my mother bought me a a board game named Loaded Questions. I just recently opened it to look at it. I wasn't sure what I was going to blog about today so I figured I would give you some examples of the questions with my personal answers.

Q: What song reminds you most of a past or present relationship?

A: Past Relationship- I hate everything about you By: Three Days Grace

Q: Who is the most offensive person in the world?

A: Courtney Love

Q: Where is the worst place to be stuck waiting?

A: The line for the women's bathroom at any major sporting event or concert...sometimes the bathroom at church righ tafter the service is over.

Q: What do you consider the greatest threat to mankind?

A: Mankind itself.

Q: What hidden talent do you have that most people don't know about?

A: I can wave with my pinky toe. That's a talent, right?

Q: Name one person in the world whom you feel is lying.

A: George Bush

Q: What is the longest period of time you have ever spent in a car?

A: 28 hours on a missions trip to South Dakota

These are just a few of the many questions this game contains. It is a great game to play as an ice breaker. You can really get a good look inside a persons brain with this game. I would definatly suggest it for anyone.

Wacky Weekend

2005-08-07T15:55:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been unbelievably hectic. I worked yesterday morning. I had to be at one of my co-workers houses at 5 p.m. She had a party last night and needed my help with dinner and of course the jungle juice. Needless to say...Chad woke me up at noon today to see if I was going to our big family party at my uncle Dave's. I got up and got ready as fast as I possibly could. We stayed at the party for about 3 hours. It was so weird to see everone. I haven't seen some of them in over 7 years. I think what blew my mind more than anything was that Rebecca, a second cousin of mine, who is 3 years younger is now married. I guess it kind of made me feel jealous. I had always planned on marrying young and having my 2 kids before I turned 28. It is kind of funny how our timing is so different than God's. After the family party, I went to Dakotah's birthday party...he just turned 5. This has been such an exhausting weekend. Oh and in addition to all of my other stress...mom has told me that she has been proposed to. I am not sure how to feel about that situation. I think I still need to talk to someone.

Pure Chaos

2005-08-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

This week has been nothing but pure chaos at work. We have one client in the hospital. I pray that he makes it through okay. In addition to the stress of having a loved one in the hospital, the company is having our client bathrooms redone. The floors are getting ripped out...the works. What makes it so chaotic is that we have 5 clients-1 bathroom that they are able to use at the time. As if it wasn't bad enough just not having the extra bathroom...there are power tools everywhere. I cannot wait until this is all over.

Chad moved in yesterday. I am pretty excited to have a roommate again. I was getting pretty bored talking to myself all of the time. We bought a computer...top of the line. It is quite nice. Now I just have to figure out how to use it.

Well I am at work...and ready to leave. Have a great day.

5 Angry Cabana Boys

2005-07-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

This has been one of the most insane work weeks I have ever had. Take a look at this crazy schedule:

Friday 7/22 --- 6 a.m.-10p.m.
Saturday 7/23 --- 6 a.m.- 4 p.m.
Sunday 7/24 --- 6 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Monday 7/25 --- OFF DAY...sick with food posioning..Fun Fun!
Tuesday 7/26 --- 7 a.m.- 8:30 p.m.
Wednesday 7/27 --- 6 a.m.- 3 p.m.
Thursday 7/28 --- 6 a.m.-2p.m. AND THEN 10p.m. -2 p.m. on Friday

I cannot wait for the weekend. I cannot imagine that I will be doing much on account of me being completely exhausted. Hopefully it will all be worth it when the pay check comes in.

On a different note...
I went out with some old friends last night around 9 p.m. I didn't end up getting home until 3 a.m. I think I fell asleep around 4 a.m. and woke up at 5 a.m. YIKES!

I love more than anything hanging out with my best friend Noelle. We are going to attempt to see more of each other. Anyways...Noelle, Beth, Lisa, Katie, Sarah, and I went to Leopolds in Ann Arbor. It was the first time I had ever been there. I Love that place. It is a really laid back place. It is not only a resturaunt but also a brewery. They make all of there own beer and liquor. It was really interesting. And quite tasty. I had one lauger before I started on the Angry Cabana Boys. For those of you that do not know what an ANgry Cabana Boy is let me fill you in. It is Melon and Pineapple Liquor with a bit of Orange juice and coconut juice...amazing is what I would have to call it.

After 1 beer, 5 Cabana boys, 5 games of pool, 6 games of foozball, and dodging the police officer across the street we wrapped up our evening and headed home. I may have not gotten much sleep but I wouldn't trade the time with my friends for anything.

Have a great day! Get some rest and enjoy the beautiful weather we are having.

Back to Life...Back to Reality

2005-07-23T04:54:00.000-07:00

I had a fantastic time on my vacation. I got to relax for a little while, that was so nice. I stayed fairly busy while I was there...by choice, not because I had to. I have such a hard time sitting still for to long.

We took the boat out on the first day we were there, only to find out that it was only firing on one cylinder. We took it to the marina and had it checked out. It will be fixed soon. I spent a lot of time in the lake. My cousins, brothers and I all played frisbee and football in the water. What a blast!

I think my favorite part of the entire vacation was hanging out with my Dad. Like I have said before, my Father and I haven't talked much since my parent's divorce a couple years ago. We did not have any deep conversations or anything, but I just got to hang out with him and that was enough for me.

I came back to work yesterday. I had to work a 16 hour day my first day back from vacation. What fun that was...HA! My work week has just began. I get to spend my weekend at work, then I have Monday off, and then back to work for the rest of the week. I am definatly not complaining...I need the money.

My best friend, Noelle, called me last night. Her and I are going to be getting together on Wednesday. We are going to some sports bar in Ann Arbor. She asked me to go easy on her when we play foozball and pool. I had to laugh at that...I am going to win. Maybe I will let her think she is winning for a while...probably not.

It is early Saturday morning. Most people I know are still asleep right now. I, on the other hand, am already a quarter through my work day. Have a Great Saturday!!!

It's time...

2005-07-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

This has been a fantastic day. I was not supposed to start my vacation until tomorrow at 2 p.m But luck is on my side. As I was walking out of work today, Celest asked me if today was my last day. I told her that unfortunatly I had one more day. Right then and there she offered to switch me a day so I could have tomorrow off. I jumped on the opportunity. I got to add an extra day to my vacation..this is GREAT!

When I got home I did my usual mailbox check...and for once, a card instead of a bill. It really brightened my day...Thanks Joyce! I will call you when I get back from vacation.

At the moment I am sitting over my cousin's house...bored out of my mind. I have a very difficult time motivating these people to do anything. I think I will be leaving soon...I need adventure!

I hope everyone has a great week. I will think of you all while I am laying on the beach, water skiing, fishing, and relaxing in the sun. I will post when I get back to civilization.

4 more days...

2005-07-13T04:35:00.000-07:00

I have 4 days left before my vacation. I am so excited to be off of work for a whole six days. I am at work right now...it is 7:30 a.m. and I only have 6 1/2 hours to go. I probably wouldn't be counting down the minutes if I didn't have so many things that I need to accomplish today. My brother Chad has agreed to go on the trip with us. I am so thankful for that. I was going to drive my truck up until I found out Chad is going to go. I drive a Ford Ranger with an extended cab...but there are no back seats...just speakers. I have fit 3 people on the bench seat in the past...but only for a matter of minutes...not hours. My mother is going to let us borrow her Trail Blazer for the week. There should be plenty of room for Chad, George, and I and all of our things. I have not been up to Higgins Lake in almost six years. We are bringing the boat...who knows maybe I will get some sun. That is such a great thought.

Habitual Behavior

2005-07-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was told by an aquaintence that I am a strong person and that is what they like about me. When I was told this, I blew it off. But then I started thinking about it. This is what I came up with...

Everybody loves strong people because strong people never ask for help...but that doesn't mean that they don't need help.
and
"Strong People" have a much harder time finding real friends that they can talk to that are willing to listen.

Maybe people think that I am strong because I hold everything in. I know it isn't healthy but I bury ever emotion that comes my way. All of my pain, anger, fear, love, hate, sadness, and happiness is buried deep down inside. It eats away at me. I cannot help it. I was raised in a house where we never talked about things. If you were angry you bottled it up, if you were dissapointed you pretended everything was fine. This is how I was brought up. I hate the person I have become. When I was young I remember thinking to myself...When I get older and there is a problem I am going to talk about it instead of ignoring it. How do you break 22 years of habitual behavior?

I look at how much damage this behavior can cause. My parents were married for 25 years before they divorced. They were unbelievably unhappy with each other for at least the last 15 years of their marriage (from what I saw). They never talked about their problems. I do not want to end up like them. I already have trouble in relationships because of this...I am willing to open up...but I need someone that is willing to give me time to do it. I am miserable right now...I don't want to feel this way forever.

VACATION

2005-07-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

My vacation is officially set up for July 16-22. I am so excited to be going out of town. I think I may be more excited about the time off of work. I need a break from this place. I need a break from getting up at 4 in the morningin everyday. I don't know how my Dad does it. For the last 20 years or so he has been getting up at 4 a.m. everyday. I have never known my Dad to sleep in past 6 a.m. What boggles my mind even more is my Granfather (my Dad's dad). He has been getting up at 4 or earlier for I don't know how long. I imagine if I stay on days for a long time that will eventually happen to me. I am not looking forward to that at all.

About my vacation...My family is headed up north to North Higgins Lake State Park for the week. The family has been having annual camping trips for over 10 years now. I have missed the last few years. It is so hard to get vacation time these days. The week should be relaxing for the most part. There are quite a few of us going this year. Dad, Joyce, Nick, Jenny, Justin, Alyssa, Aunt Donna, Uncle Mark, Liz, Joe, Jake, Uncle George, Aunt Alexis, Alex, My cousin George and myself. 16 of us...Wow! I sure hope I didn't miss anybody. I have been trying to get Chad to come up for a night. He is still thinking about it. He will be celebrating his 21st birthday on July 17th so I don't know if he is going to make it.

Today is going to be hectic I can tell already. I have to go on a doctor's appointment with one of my clients a little later on. I need to stop at the gas station immediatly after I leave work today or I will not be making it home. My gas light came on this morning on the way to work. I am going to attempt to take a nap today...we will see how that works out. I have to go over to Nick's house when he gets out of work today. I cannot forget to pick up George. We are setting up the tents to make sure they are still in good condition for camping. I would hate to get all the way up there just to find out that some animal ate up half the tent. I really need to go to the gym today. We shall see about that. After today I have one more day of work for the week. I can do this.

Yesterday I slept right through all 3 alarms that I had set. Shannon from work called me at 7 a.m. to find out if I was coming in. I felt like such a dummy. This morning was funny...I set 5 alarms to go off 5 minutes form each other. In addition to that, Kat called me to make sure I was up and then right after I hung up the phone with her, Verdell called to make sure I was up. I really need to get use to getting up early.

Time to get everyone up. Have a GREAT day!

Unexplainable

2005-07-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very difficult day for me, and I am not sure why. I have this unexplainable sadness that just swooped over me this morning. I need some prayers. I need a friend.

Lately I have been feeling stuck. Stuck in the routine of life. I never meet new people. The friends that I do have, all have families. Being around them makes me feel incredibly alone.

The outside world is so crazy...but no matter how crazy it seems...my personal life is even crazier. This has resulted in me having no safe place. Come to think about it...I don't think I ever had one to begin with.

Please post.

Celebrating Our Independence

2005-07-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

My weekend officially started Saturday at 2 p.m. The plan was for me to work 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. on Friday, 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturday, and then go home and take a nap before Kyle's 4th of July party. As we all know...things do not always work out as planned. My phone started ringing off of the hook at approx. 1 p.m. on Saturday. So instead of taking a nap I went home and cleaned up, then one of my friends stopped by for a little while. After my friend left I jumped in the shower then headed off to one of the biggest parties of the year.
The party did not officially start until 5 p.m. A bunch of us got there early and played football, we played until we hit a car on accident. Every year Kyle's parents buy about $5000 worth of illegal fireworks and set them off in the back yard. I look forward to this every year bvecause these are the only fireworks I bother going to. The fireworks at the party are almost always a hundred times better then at the metroparks. The fireworks started at 10:30 p.m. and lasted for about one hour. About half way thru the show things started getting a little dangerous for those of us perched up on the hill about 75 yards from where the fireworks were being set off. There were about 50 of us on the hill that night. Brian and I were sharing a cooler to sit on. We were all captivated by the falling lights and the thunderous booms. Then all of the sudden... I look out at Mr.Straub who is the one setting off the fireworks, and I see him running from the platform. It took me about half a second to realize why he was running. Some of the fireworks he had just lit were taking off in a number of wrong directions. One direction being straight for Brian and I. We looked at the flaming ball of fire headed right for us, then looked at each other, and then at the same time pushed each other in opposite directions missing the fire ball by about 4 inches. What an exciting evening that was. Seriously though...what better way to celebrate our independence than lighting things on fire and watching them explode in the night sky. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!!!
All in all I had a very hectic, somewhat dangerous, always entertaining, and exhausting holiday weekend. I am happy to report that there were no serious injuries, some minor, including a sprained ankle,a stabbed finger, stabbed leg, and one black eye. 4 minor injuries---over 150 people total---Not to bad of a party!
I spent the majority of the day yesterday recovering from the bash. Come to think of it...the only thing productive that I did yesterday was start my laundry. I suppose I should spend some of my day today finishing what I started. Only 4 more hours of work...I cannot wait!

This is strange

2005-06-29T04:20:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that June is almost over. This year has been difficult. I think that May was the longest month of my entire life. June flew right past me. I wonder what is in store for July? I think it is best that I don't think about it.
I pulled a muscle in my neck at work on Monday. This type of injury is not abnormal for me at all. What is weird is that ever since I pulled the muscle my left eye has been killing me. I cannot look to my right without a piercing pain shooting through my eye and into my head. I also have trouble looking up and to the left. I wonder if it is a related injury This is a serious problem when trying to drive. For 3 days I have been dealing with this...I now have a tremendous headache. I am going to give it 1 week ...if it goes away...GREAT!...If not I guess I will call the doctor.

7 hours to go

2005-06-29T03:48:00.000-07:00

I hope that my work day goes by quickly today. After work I am going to pick up Alyssa and spend the day with her. We are having a sleep over. She has been bugging me about having one since I moved into my own place. I would have liked to have her over a while ago but I haven't had much time to do anything lately. She is really excited..so am I. I really miss the kids, ever since I moved out I haven't gotten many opportunities to spend time with them.
The rain finally arrived last night at about 10 p.m. I remember the time because I was watching my favorite show, House. I was at my cousins house when the rain started. As soon as I heard thunder I told George that I had to get going. I got home, curled up in bed and was asleep by 10:30 p.m. If there is anything on this earth that helps me relax and settle down, it is rain. I have a couple of friends that hate the rain, they are afraid of storms. Their fear completly boggles my mind. Maybe it is because I was raised up not to fear the weather.
I am not the type of person to make fun of someone because they fear something. I have a lot of weird fears such as clowns, moths, and swans. I think the only reason I do not make fun of others for their fears is probably because I have such stupid fears that would be so easy to make fun of.
I cannot wait to have a day off tomorrow, only 7 hours of work to go. Have a fantastic day!

Still praying for rain...

2005-06-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

It is almost 11 a.m. and my work day is half over. I have a meeting scheduled at 1 p.m. with the physical therapist from the company. So it looks like my day won't end until almost 3 p.m. I keep looking out the window and it is looking like it might rain today. I have not watched the weather channel for fear of my hopes for rain being crushed. I love the rain, I know I have mentioned that before. Last night, I turned off my air conditioner and laid down for bed. As I tried to fall asleep I found myself once again praying for rain. Rain is very symbolic for me. It is so refreshing. I do my best thinking when it is raining. So until we get a nice long down pour I will be praying for the rain to come.
On a completly unrelated note...I have been thinking about going and getting another tattoo or piercing done soon. I think I want to hold off on my tattoo for now. At least until I get into the shape I want to be in. The tattoo will be my reward. I may be getting my eyebrow repierced for the third time though. I have made friends with a couple of people that work at various tattoo parlors. I have been offered a free body piercing. That is so hard for me to turn down. I suppose I should think about it a little more before I make a decision.

Pain

2005-06-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

This weekend went by way to fast. I finally caught up on my missed sleep on Saturday. I was not aware of how tired I actually was. I went to bed at 10 p.m. on Friday, I think that was the first time that has happened since grammer school. I woke up at 6 a.m., then went back to bed because I wasn't feeling well. I finally ended up getting up at almost 4 p.m. Saturday afternoon. I was still tired. I went ot bed at 11 p.m. on Saturday night, and got up at 9:30 a.m. yesterday and went to church. After church Ricky and I went to Toys R' Us to pick up a present for Susie Livingston's daughter Josie's birthday. She just turned 2. Her party started at 4 p.m. It was really nice, it was just the family. Susie's parents, Blue's parents, and Ricky and I. Susie refers to Ricky and I as her older children. It is nice to feel like you are part of a family.
Speaking of family...I am really trying to work on feeling like a part of my own family. For years now I have felt like an outcast, but I am really working on breaking down that wall. I have agreed to go camping with my Dad's side of the family in July. I am really excited. I use to go up camping with the family every year...but since my parents divorce everything has become so complicated. I hate being stuck in the middle of things and that is exactly what happened when Mom and Dad split up. I was automatically shoved in the middle of their problems. For example, my father is engaged to this woman named Joyce. I tried not to like her for the sake of my mother's feelings...but she is a really nice woman. Don't get me wrong...it is weird to see my Dad with someone else, but he is moving on. He didn't want the divorce...my Mom did. And now that my Dad is happy with his new life...Mom can't stand it. What kills me the most is...My Mom calls me every single day...which is fine, but 60% of the calls I get from her upset me in one way or another. I don't think she fully realizes that I have a lot of stuff going on right now, I am still trying to heal from the hurt she caused me and my family. She thinks she is the only one with money problems...HA! And then there is Dad...I miss my Dad so much and he lives literally 2 minutes down the road. I guess it is so hard because growning up I was always Daddy's little girl. And now I am lucky to hear from him every other week, Really lucky if I see him once a month. I think the greatest pain I have right now is the emptyness I feel from having a father who I barely see and a mother who just a month and a half ago could not find even one reason to live.
I wish this pain would go away.

Up North

2005-06-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

It is 7 a.m. and I have already been up for 3 1/2 hours. We returned home from our trip at 8:30 p.m. last night. I drove on the way home...normally a seven hour car ride cut down to 5 1/2 hours. Which reminds me I need to go pay that speeding ticket today. I was exhausted by the time we arrived back at work with the clients, all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed...but being a sports fan I had to stay up to watch the game. And what a heart breaker that was. I went over my younger brother Chad's house for the game, there were about 20 of us gathered in the living room. Immediatly after we realized that we had lost...every single one of us stood up, put our shoes on, and went home. I don't think a single word was uttered once the TV got shut off. When I got home I felt the need to unpack before I went to sleep...I think I finally laid down around 2 a.m.
We had the greatest time on our trip to Northport. The clients really seemed to enjoy it. The firt day we were there was very relaxing. In fact, even I felt relaxed for the first time in I don't know how long. The second day was the busy day. We got the clients up around 8 a.m. and we ate breakfast and ventured out to Traverse City. We went to the Turtle Creek Casino...Gordon won $47, Albert won $5, and I lost $13 to the slot machines. After we left the casino we went to Ruby Tuesdays to pick up and order to bring back to the cabin. We ate and Bob and Gordy took short naps. Around 6:30 p.m. we headed to the marina in town to fish off of the docks into Lake Michigan. Bob successfully caught a large mouth bass 10 minutes after we got there. He was really excited. The funniest part about the fishing was that I forgot to tell Bob ahead of time that we were catching and releasing. So after catching his fish and getting a couple pictures with it I took it off the hook and threw it in the water without a second thought. As soon as the fish left my hand Bob started yelling at me for throwing his fish away. He quickly forgave me. We got back to the cabin around 9 p.m. We laid the clients down for bed and I started up the camp fire. Shannon, Kat, and I stayed outside around the fire until about 1 a.m. telling each other funny stories and playing truth or dare. It was nice to act like a teenager again.
Yesterday we left the cabin at 11 a.m. and headed towards Mio. Mio is about 3/4 the way up the middle of the mitten. It is a very small town, actually it is probably considered a village. The reason we took a detour to Mio was because Bob's parents live there. He had not seen his Mom or Dad in over 2 years and he had not seen his siblings for 19 years. We suprised him with the visit, it was so heart warming to see the look on his face when we pulled up into the driveway. We stayed there for about 2 hours. I am so glad we had the opportunity to go over there.
Albert came to live here at the house about 2 months ago. When he first moved in his mother told me that he had not been on a vacation since before his accident...30 years ago. I am so thankful to God that he provide the opportunity to get Albert out of the house and provided a way for us to arrange a reunion with Bob and his family.
Although I may be exhausted...I would do the trip over and over again just to see the smiles on the clients faces. I think that I have finally become aware of how passionate I really am about my work.

AHHHH!!!!

2005-06-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Today has been rather hectic. I am just now getting ready to leave work so I can go get myself packed and ready to go. We are leaving at 7 a.m. which translated into my coworker's language is 10 a.m. I have so much to do today. Have a great week...I will post when I return.

Slip 'N' Slide

2005-06-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

Today has gone by so fast. I started my day at 4:30 a.m. I was amazed at the fact that when my alarm went off this morning I jumped right out of bed ready to face the day. I got to work 15 minutes early this morning, we had another call off so it was just Shannon and I. I really enjoy workin g with Shannon...it seems that no matter what whenever we work together something interesting is bound to happen. It took Shannon and I about 30 minutes to realize that one of the new guys used Murphy's Oil Soap on all of the floors last night. We have been sliding everywhere all day long. The last time I checked Shannon had slid into 2 chairs and the counter in the kitchen. I have slid into 3 chairs, 2 walls, 1 door and the oven. I am going to be so bruised up in the morning.
I had a meeting with the boss today about our trip up north next week. Everything is all set up and ready to go. I think he might be a little nervous about Shannon, Kat, and I going on a trip without the nurse...but I have all the confidence in the world in us.
Chris and I finally got a chance to get together on Wednesday. We had a really great visit. We watched a movie and caught up on what is going on with each other. We are going to try to get together more often. With our schedules it is going to be pretty rough.
It is almost 2 p.m. and normally I would be getting ready to punch out and go home but not today. Today Shannon and I have to go buy fishing equipment for our big adventure. I hope you all have a great Friday!

Crazy Day

2005-06-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

Today has been fairly entertaining. I started my day at 4:30 this morning, keep in mind that I did stay out last night until about 1 a.m. I had to watch the game though...and what a game it was. My alarm clock immediatly woke me up this morning, which is unusual, it usually goes off for about 10 minutes before I start to hear it. I rolled out of bed and took a shower, I didn't realize that my gas light in my truck was on until I was almost at work. Which reminds me I cannot forget to stop for gas before I get on the expressway. I got to work at 6:01 a.m. One minute late...can you believe that...I tried so hard to be here early today. About a half hour into my work day I realized that Shannon, one of my co-workers had not shown up yet. I asked Kat if Shannon had called...she said no. So out of concern I call Shannon up. She was infuriated...for about 3 months now Shannon has had nothing but bad luck with her car. Apparentlly this morning when she went outside she realized that she had left her dome light on all night last night. Which resulted in a dead battery. She waited on AAA for 4 hours. When they finally got there they told her that her battery was fried and that she need to purchase a new one. So needless to say Shannon never made it to work today. The mornings here are hectic enough with three people but only two of us...just forget it.
I would swear it was a full moon with the way my clients are acting today. I don't mind them all acting crazy...it makes the day go by a lot faster. I talked to my boss today and my request for a small client vacation was accepted. Shannon, Kat and I are taking the three boys...Albert, Gordon, and Bob up north for a relaxing three day adventure. We rented a cabin in Northport it is right by Lake Michigan. I think it will be good for all of us to get out of the group home for a couple of days.
Yesterday was my best friend Noelle's birthday. I had to work so I was unable to see her. Tomorrow there is a group of us going to Club Luna, it is in Royal Oak...I have never been there before, but my friends go all the time. Oh and I was warned ever Thursaday is 80's night so this should be interesting. What is even more interesting is that I have to work fro 2p-10p tomorrow then go out with the girls...the I have ot turn around and work 6a-2p on Friday. I feel bad for whoever I have to work with Friday morning.
I have not got good rest yet but I have found myself slipping into this calm almost euphoric place. Keep in mind I am only in that place for maybe a minute at a time...but still i think it is progress.

Waiting on the rain

2005-06-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

I got so excited when I heard that we were supposed to get insane thunder storms today. For anyone that doesn't already know...I love the rain. I love the booming thunder and the flashing lightening. Nothing calms me down more than a good old storm. Now, half way through my day here at work I am finding myself very dissapointed in our Local Weather Persons. Here in Belleville, it is about 93 degrees with no wind and not a rain cloud in the sky. The funniest part about it is that here at work we have a weather forcasting alarm. The alarm has been going off every 10 minutes since 2 o'clock this afternoon. It is cracking me up...everytime it goes off I peek outside hoping that things have changed. I do not think it is going to rain anytime soon here.

This has been such a weird month. What I mean by that is...I have been getting all of these phone calls out of the blue from people I used to go to high school with or use to work with long ago. It is not at allo a bad thing just a little strange.

Everybody try to stay cool. Oh and just in case she is reading this......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOELLE!!!!

Only Me

2005-06-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

Can you beleive that it is almost 12:30 a.m. and I am still stuck at work. This is so funny to me. I am stuck working until 6 a.m. tomorrow and then I have to turn around and be back here at 2 p.m. This could only happen to me. The funniest part about it is that Jeanie called off at 3 p.m. and I took the call. Then at 10:15 p.m. Shande wanted to know where Jeanie was and I told her that I had no idea. Then at about 10:30 p.m. I realized that she had called off some time ago. Needless to say I am working for Jeanie tonight and I have to be back in at 2 p.m. tomorrow instead of 6 a.m. I hope everyone else got a good night's rest.

When it rains...

2005-06-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

When it rains, it pours. My only question is when will it stop? This has been a very difficult day. My mother is back in the hospital. Appartently she has been there all day but I was not informed until 10 minutes ago. I am so tired of being the last one to find out. I have been getting this feeling lately that my mom is mad at me, and I am not sure why. Maybe it is paranoia, or maybe I have failed her in some way. I hate that she makes me feel like that. I know she doesn't do it on purpose...but I never feel like I am good enough. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have so much anger and aggression built up inside me and it is battling to come out, but I just have to put the cap back on it and continue to pretend that everything is okay. But it isn't, it isn't okay at all.
These last couple of months have been the most difficult and trying times of my life. I do not know exactly how much more I can handle. I just wish it would stop raining.

When?

2005-06-11T04:04:00.000-07:00

I never imagined getting out of bed could be so difficult. This morning when my alarm went off at 4:30 a.m., I just rolled over and cried. Yesterday was so unbelievably hectic for a number of reasons, but yesterday's over and I have a vrey busy weekend ahead of me. I hate to say it but...Is it almost over yet? The fact that it is 7 a.m. on a Saturday and I am at work after only getting an hour of sleep last night discusts me. Maybe I could take an hour nap after work today. That would be so great. Pray for me.

Weekend Madness

2005-06-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

It is 8:30 a.m. on Friday morning and I have been up for 4 hours already. I did not get to sleep until almost 4 a.m. So needless to say I only got about 45 minutes of sleep last night and I think that it is going to take a huge toll on me today. Today is not a typical Friday for me. I do get out of work at 2 p.m. this afternoon which is great. I would love to be able to take a nap but anyone who knows me knows that there is no chance of that happening. It is funny because every day that I work 6a-2p I tell myself that i will be taking a nap immediately following work...but that hasn't happened yet.
I have quite a list of obligations this weekend. I am almost dreading it to be perfectly honest. My cousin Ashley graduated this year and today is her graduation party from 6p.m. until Midnight. She has been making me promise that I would go to her party for about 3 years now. She knows that I wouldn't miss it for the world. On top of that I need to somehow manage to make it to my friend Brian's suprise party which starts at 6:30p.m. He turned 21 today. Watching him and my brother grow older is starting to make me feel pretty old..I used to babysit these guys. YIKES! Did I mention that I have to work at 6 o'clock in the morning tomorrow? Will I ever be able to rest again? Tomorrow after work i am getting together with an old friend from school. I haven't seen Timmy since I graduated 5 years ago. Timmy and I have all sorts of interesting memories together. He is the one that came with me when we snuck into the high school football field and forked the entire thing before a Saturday game. F.Y.I.--For anyone that doesn't know what forking a lawn consists of here's a little crash course. Before going to the field Timmy and I went out and bought about 5000 plastic forks and all you do is stick them in the ground everywhere. It is very time consuming but the payoff is hilarious. I can't wait ot see him.
This morning has been so difficult. I am not sure what my problem is but I cannot seem to stop spilling things. I have to pass medication to the clients that I work for. My first med pass is at 7 a.m. I was doing just fine until I got to Bob's meds...he gets Milk of Magnesium in the morning. That is a liquid medication that has to be shaken up before given to a client. Well... whoever had meds last night did not put the cap on all of the way...actually it was more or less just set on top of the bottle. So you can probably guess what happened when i tried to shake it up...that's right you guessed it...it went EVERYWHERE! I hadn't even been at work a hour and already I was completly covered in Meds. I had to borrow a T-shirt from a client so right now I am wearing an extremly bright tie dyed shirt from the Rainforest Cafe. About 20 minutes after that I went to reach for my glass of orange juice and knocked it right off of the counter. So I am wondering am I like thios because I have had no sleep or is it just one of those days?
Speaking of "those days" I got a ticket last night. I am so upset about it. I was driving down Telegraph and I had turned on to Carter Road which is a 25 mph zone. Well in order to make it by the oncoming traffic in time I accelerated to 30 mph. As soon as I go on Carter I slowed immediately down to 25 mph. Appartently I didn't slow down soon enough because now I have a $100 ticket with 2 points on my record for going 5 over to try to save my life. I guess that is what I get...I could not help but just laugh the entire time I was waiting for the officer to come back with my ticket.
It is now time for me to get everyone up and out of bed, so I must stop rambling. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Progress

2005-06-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I realized my OCD had completly spun out of contol. After I became more aware of what I was doing it made it a little easier to try to adjust. I have cut back on my showering...I am down to 2 a day...somedays 3. I now vacuum every other day, instead of everyday, unless I am having company. I still set 3 alarms to get up in the morning but I don't think that will ever change. I have really been trying to relax a little more lately. Although my job makes that almost impossible. However, I have noticed that I can relax more easily around certain people. I have been making an enormous effort to alter my psychotic daily rituals. I am attempting to make more "me" time. For example, the other day I went to the park, originally to go for a jog, but I had just left the gym. So I decided instead of being all compulsive with my workout, that I would rather just sit by the water and reflect on some things. I know it isn't much but it has to be a start.
I heard an interesting saying yesterday at church from our assistant pastor. We had been talking about meditating on the great works of God to bring him glory. I told him that I had no idea how to meditate. In response to that he asked me "Amanda, do you know how to worry?" I said "Boy, do I." He then said "If you know how to worry...than you know how to meditate." After I thought about that for awhile, all I could think was "WOW." How crazy is that...I consider myself to be a professional worrier...I come from a long line of worriers. (I don't think that is really a word, and I am not sure if that is how we would spell it if it was but work with me). So today I am going to try meditating on the good things...instead of worrying about the bad. i urge you to try and do the same.

Monday Blues

2005-06-06T03:44:00.000-07:00

It is 6:45a.m. on Monday morning. I got into work about an hour ago. For the last seven years I have been on afternoons. About 2 months ago I asked my boss if I could move to the day shift if it became available. About a month ago I was switched to days, however I am working this crazy swing shift until Septemeber sometime. According to my Dad, I am not on a typical swing shift. Instead if working one week on days and the next on afternoons, it seems like everyday I am working a different shift. I am having extreme difficulties with my work schedule right now. I am unable to plan good sleep. This week may be a little easier than the last couple of weeks; I am working mostly just days this week.
The weekend really flew by for me. I am sure that it has something to do with the fact that I didn't get out of work until almost 7a.m. on Saturday morning. All day on Saturday I thought it was Friday. Then, yesterday I almost didn't make it to church because I thought it was Saturday. I had a pretty uneventful weekend for the most part. I spent some time with my mother and all of my siblings. It was really nice to see all of them again. The kids are growing up so fast. I am happy to report that Alyssa has successfully learned how to tie her shoes. She informed me on Sunday that it is now time that I bought her some K-Swiss just like mine. Justin seems to be adjusting to the insane living situation much better than I anticipated. Chad is working a lot lately, not much new happening with him. Nick was appointed the youth pastor position at church. I couldn't be any happier for him. The teens really need some stability in thier lives and I believe that Nick and Jen are just what they need.
Yesterday was so hectic. I woke up at 8:30a.m. I got out of bed at 9:15a.m. I really didn't want to get up yesterday. I finally realized it was Sunday at about 9:30a.m. I got to church quite early. Pastor Mark talked about addiction, which I found really interesting. I really needed to hear that message yesterday. After church, I dropped Ricky off at home and then stopped over Nick's for awhile. After Nick's I stopped in at my apartment to turn the air on. After that I dropped my my cousin's house to check up on him. When my cousin George was younger he had a cancerous mass, the size of a softball, removed from his inner thigh. He recently started roofing and his leg has been bothering him a lot so I dropped by to take a look at it. It looks so bad, I plan on taking him to the hospital when I get out of here today. I usually go to a small group Bible study on Sunday nights through my church. But I decided to skip last night because I had to get up at 4 o'clock this morning. Chris called me on Saturday, he was supposed to be coming over last night after he got out of church but he didn't get out until almost 10p.m. So I had to reschedule with him for Tuesday. I can't wait to see him, he is such an awesome guy.
Well I suppose it is time to stand up and try to wake up a little more so I can properly start my day. Have a great Monday Everybody!

Staying Awake

2005-06-04T01:38:00.000-07:00

It is 1 o'clock in the morning and the count down dwindles down. I have only 5 hours left of my 16 hour work day. Amazingly I am still wide awake. Could it be adrenaline...no probably not. My money is on the pot of coffee I just finished off.
I don't really mind working long days like today. The only thing I cannot stand about days like this is that it gives me way to much time to think about things. It has always amazed me what my mind comes up with when I sit in silence. It seems as if my mind is a river with all of these rushing memories, funny thoughts, fears of the future, shame of the past, and I can't forget the worry.
A lot of people tell me to just focus on today. They say don't worry about tomorrow. I try my very best not to worry so much, but then I find myself worrying that I worry to much. it is really a losing battle. A co-worker of mine stopped me earlier and pulled me to the side. She asked me if I was okay, and of course my instant reaction was "I am just fine." She told me that I had a look of concern or worry if you will. After our little chat I started to think about that. I have always been told that my facial expressions speak very loudly. I guess I didn't realize how obvious it is to other people that i am so stressed out right now. I need to find a positive way to relieve stress. I have tried all of the aroma therapy and the candles and bubble bath thing, I have tried a lot of things but none seem to work.
I have also been told that i need to have a good cry. I had to think about that for some time. What is a good cry? What qualifies a cry to be good or bad? Lately it seems as if I am crying myself to sleep most every night. I have been told that crying is a good way to release things. If that is the case than I must have a lot of stuff to release. I will admit it does feel good to cry once in awhile, but every night? I wake up so tired because I exhausted myself so much from crying myself to sleep. I have to ask is this any way to live?
Maybe I need to talk to someone. I am not talking about therapy, I don't talk to strangers. I would love to be able to talk to someone I know. I really need to unload all of this, but i hate to be a bother to people so I hold it all in. I know that isn't good. I know a lot of people say...I am here if you need anything, I am here to listen. But I have to wonder how much of that is really genuine? How much of what I hear is just someone trying to be polite or sensitive to my situation?
I think a lot of my problem is that I have SO MUCH stuff on my mind, but I am terrified to let anyone in. I guess I am afraid of being judged or made fun of. Maybe I just have some serious trust issues. Or maybe my time just hasn't come yet. So until then I will keep praying that I will find the someone that I can talk to.

Risk it

2005-06-04T01:16:00.000-07:00

The time is now 4:17a.m. The countdown rolls on...only 1 hour and 43 minutes to go. I really hope the day shift is on time. I have been awake for more than 24 hours. I have accomplished everything I need to accomplish before 6a.m. What an eventful night. I had to wake up Bob, one of the guys that lives here at the house, to give him his meds and he kicked me right in the chest about 2 hours ago and I already have a bruise. I just got done mopping the entire house. By the way if you are reading this and you do not know what i do for a living. I am a rehabilitation Service Tech. I work in a group home, where I take care of people that have suffered Traumatic Brain Injuries. I have only 10 co-workers at this house. But you should keep in mind that there are only 10 of us...but we could not be anymore different from each other. All of us have our unique traits. That being said...I have found some very odd things at the house this evening while doing some deep cleaning. For instance, I opened up one of the drawers in my bosses office to get out the dictionary and I found a storage bag full of the little soaps from different hotels. This struck me as a little odd. What was even more interesting was finding an entire cabinet in the garage full of empty containers. There are many Oatmeal and Crystal Light cylinders in there. I have no clue as to why...that is the work of Chris for sure. She is an interesting character.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and with any luck I will be able to get to a computer sometime this weekend. i do however plan on sleeping most of tomorrow away.

Something to think about:

Walter Rauschenbusch once said...
"The real joy of life is in its play.
Play is anything we do for the joy and love of doing it...
It is the real living of life."

Charles R. Swindoll once said...
"It is often just as sacred to laugh as it is to pray."

Madeleine L'Engle once said...
"If I'm not free to fail, I'm not free to take risks, and everything in life worth doing involves a willingness to take a risk and involves the risk of failure...I have to try, but I do not have to succeed."

So there you have it...Have fun and take a risk, play when you can, and don't expect things to always go your way. Have a great weekend.

Summer Fun!

2005-06-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

Oh the joys of summer...how I have missed them so. It has been a busy week...BUT I have done a couple things this week that i haven't done in a long time. On Tuesday a group of friends and I decided to go play a game of softball. We were so pumped up...it only took an hour of driving around before we finally found an open field. By the way I remember why I don't play softball. I even called up my cousins Liz, Joe, and Jake to see if they would like to join...it has been so long since we've all played together. The only one I got to talk to was Jake, he wanted to go but he insisted that his sewing project for Mrs. Patterson's class was more important. I told him to tell Joyce that I tried to get him to come out and play instead. He knows how to prioritize though...he is such a great kid.
Last night, i went out and bought a fishing lisence. It had been a couple of years since I had fished. I didn't catch any fish...but I did get bit by so many mosquitos that I may have caught West Nile Virus. My hope for everyone is...Although life is crazy, believe me I know, I hope that each of us is able to enjoy the little things this summer. I know that for the last couple of years I have really taken the little things for granted. Just remember that in the end...It is the little things that matter most.

Where's my time?

2005-06-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know where all of my time has gone recently. It seems no matter how early I get up or how late I stay up I cannot seem to get ahead. But at least I am getting by I suppose. I am at work once again counting down the minutes until I get to leave. I have a million and one things to do this afternoon. Luckly I do not have to go into work until tomorrow at 2pm. Unfortunatly I am stuck at work until 6am on Saturday. Things just won't let up.
On a more positive note...I have a tan. This is huge for me...why? Because I have been the same shade of pasty white for the last three years. Can you tell I haven't had a lot of time to vacation? My weekend adventure was interesting. I really enjoyed the games. The only bad part was that I was unable to relax...like usual. The entire time I was in Alma, all I could think about was all the work I could have got done if I had been at home. But all in all I am glad I got to get away for a while.
Katie really appreciated the reflectors. There is no way i can miss her house now. I have to thank Noelle, I could not have done it alone.
I suppose I should wrap up my day and head off on my journey of endless tasks. I hope everyone has a great day...Enjoy the weather, who knows how long it will last.

Glorifing God

2005-05-27T04:29:00.000-07:00

I have recently discovered a new way to give glory to God. I always thought that praising and worshiping the Lord was done on Sundays at church while signing hymns. While growing older, I seem to have at least 20 realizations a day. I finally figured out that we are able to glorify God in everything that we do as long as we do thoings with a servants heart.
I find a lot of joy in my job. I have always been told that "It takes a really special person to do what you do for a living." If you do not know I work at Special Tree Rehabilitaion. i am a certified Rehab Service Tech. I work in a group home setting with clients that have suffered Traumatic Brain and Spinal Cord injuries. I will be the first to admit that i never ever thought I would have a job like this. But in the last three years of working for this company I have grown so much. Working in a place like that really helps you gain perspective. I realize how fragile life can be. But more importantly i have learned that by having the right attitude about my job, i can bring God all sorts of Glory.
Now instead of looking at my job as a number of small tasks...I look at it now as a lot of tasks for the Lord. Now, as opposed to before, everytime I go to approach a client I have to look at things differently. Now when I do a task I get in the attitude of praise. I just imagine that everything I do is directly for God and no one else. I think if you tried this you would be suprised at the outcome. If nothing else it helps me to relax and understand that some things are just out of reach and that it is okay that things are like that.
This will be my last blog until Monday or Tuesday. I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday weekend.

BREAK TIME!

2005-05-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

Here I am again at work for a big 16 hour shift. I got here at 6 a.m. and I will get to leave much later at 10 p.m. It is days like this that i wish my company believed in 12 hour days. I realize it is still a long shift but 12 compared to 16...I'll take that any day of the week. I am happy to report that i got 6 hours of sleep on Sunday night. That was the most sleep I have gotten at one time since May 1st.
I will be leaving tomorrow for my three day weekend excursion with Pat to Alma. I am so not ready to go anywhere. I still have to pack tonight and be at work at 6a.m. tomorrow. I was planning on packing and getting all ready yesterday after work but my best friend, Noelle, called me and we went to go see Katie play softball. Interesting game...good effort katie! After the game, Noelle, Lisa, and I went to Denny's where we sat and talked for about three hours abpout anything and everything. We have a lot of catching up to do. Sadly, I do not get to spend as much time with Noelle as I would like to. Did I mention how much I hate being a grown up? After Denny's Noelle and I decided it was time to be mischievous. Needless to say Jackie and Katie's driveway is glowing with the light of many reflectors. By the way if you happened to be missing your reflectors at the end of your driveway...I have no idea what happened to them. hahaha!
Well 9 1/2 hours to go...YIKES! Break time is over.

My battle with OCD

2005-05-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

About three years ago I was diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). When I was younger I could have easily been called a slob. I didn't like to clean or pick things up. I was a kid...what kid likes to clean? I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out when the OCD kicked in. I have come to the realization that my OCD started when my life went spinning out of control. I believe it started the very moment that my parents told me on my 19th birthday that they were getting a divorce. When I found out about the divorce, I clinged on to anything that I had control over. I realized very fast that most things are out of my hands. The only thing that I can really even attempt to have complete control over is the way I live. What I mean by that is...I control how clean or dirty my house is. I control how many showers I take in a day. I control how early I leave for appointments so that i am never late for anything.
At first, it was easy to live like this. I would make sure that everything was in the exact spot that I wanted it to be. I would shower when I got up in the morning and before I would go to bed at night. And I would set my alarm clock for 2 hours before I had to leave the house...even though it only takes me 30 minutes to get ready. But now things are different. I still make sure things are in thier exact place. But now i dust and vacuum everyday...at least once. My neighbor's probably hate me because sometimes I don't get home until 1 or 2 in the morning...but I still feel the need to vacuum. I still get up in the morning and shower. On the days that I have to work and then go and workout, I get up---shower, get off of work---shower, go to the gym, get home---shower, and then before bed---shower. 4 showers a day---that seems a little much doesn't it? I don't know how to stop it. Andnow instead of just getting up 2 hours before I leave...I set 3 alarm clocks, each to go off 5 minutes after each other. I don't know if it is just the fear of being late for things or what.
Now I have gotten to the point where I am attempting to break some of these habits. I will intentionally leave a cup in the sink over night. That kills me though because I am a huge fan of the clean as you go method. Unfortunatly I think I have taken things a little to far. Last night, I got home and took my shoes off at the door. Instead of putting them in the closet I arranged them next to the door. I took my coat off and put it on the back of a diningroom chair, instead of putting it in the closet. I decided I was going to try to leave them like that last night. Needless to say at about 3o'clock this morning I jumped out of bed, put the shoes and the coat in the closet and laid back down and feel right asleep.
I guess I have turned into one of those people who cannot get any form of rest or relaxation unless everything is just so. Maybe that is why I have been having such difficulties sleeping lately. Life has really thrown some curve balls at me lately and I know that things are not the way they should be, so I cannot rest like I need to.
Anyone have any suggestion?

A Break...Finally!

2005-05-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

I got 2 hours of sleep last night and I am so incredibly happy about it. Until last night I hadn't slept more than a half hour at a time since May 1st. I know 2 hours isn't a lot but it was enough for today. I have 6 minutes left of work and I am so glad to be getting out of here for the day. I am so happy I was able to rearrange my schedule for Memorial Day Weekend. I am going to Alma, MI with Pat for the Highland Festival. I am really excited about going. It is a good chance for me to get to know Pat better...plus it is a break from all of the craziness of life. I am not sure what to expect but I am positive we are going to have a fantastic time. Well it is about time for me to punch out and head over to the gym for a quick workout before my small group session with the church. I hope you all have as great of a day as I am having.

I got help!

2005-05-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

I've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately. It seems as if I have spent most of my time trying to figure out wht to do about it. This morning at 4:30a.m., it finally hit me. I felt so stupid, I have been searching so diligintly for the answer, and the whole time the answer was right next to my alarm clock.
It was 4:30a.m. and I hadn't slept a wink. I was due in at work at 6a.m. Finally, I feel to my knees, crying because I was so incredibly exhausted. I found myself so angry because I had been praying for rest and had gotten none. I told God that I just could not take the pain, weakness, or exhaustion anymore. I asked one more time...Please God Help Me! Then I opened up my eyes to see what time it was and all I could see was the Bible that my brother and sister-in-law had got me for Christmas. SO I opened the book and my heart and here is what I got out of it...

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"NEVER will I leave you;
NEVER will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence:
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"
Hebrews 13:5-6

Unless the Lord has given me help.
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, "My foot is slipping,"
Your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Psalms 94:17-19

These versus are exactly what I need to hear today. I hope that if you find yourself in what seems to be a hopeless situation, that they will also bring comfort to you.

Death by Exhaustion

2005-05-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

It is going to be a long day today. I started work at 6 a.m. I was unable to sleep again. I wonder is it possible to die of pure exhaustion? That is a question I find myself pondering quite frequently. I had the day off yesterday, and I can't help but look back and feel like I accomplished nothing. Although I know it is not true. I imagine I feel that way because all week long I had planned on using my day off to catch up on some missed sleep. And low and behold I haven't slept in over 40 hours now. Stress can do terrible things to a person. I just wish i knew of some ways to maybe relieve some of the pain.

How I deal

2005-05-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

I started writing poetry and short stories when I was in the seventh grade. There has only been one person in my life that really encouraged me to write. Thanks Joyce. I just wanted to put some of my stuff out there. If you've already read them, sorry but there will be more to come. Some of these are from a while ago. I just try to remember that all of the crap life has handed to me has shaped me for the person that I am today.

A Prayer For A Dear Friend

I say a prayer for a friend so dear, that in her heart I will always be near.
I pray that she will recieve all the happiness one heart can handle, and when the wind blows, it won't blow out her luminous candle.
I pray that she will find peace in her heart to calm her soul, and that she will always accomplish her highest goal.
I pray that she will never again feel any pain, and that even when she loses, she will find something to gain.
I pray that she will always be healthy and wear a smile, I pray that she will always know that her life is worth while.
I pray that she will always find truth and trust, and that she will always have love that isn't mistaken for lust.
And the reason, my dear friend, why I pray for you is because in my heart, you are near too.

YOU

Why do you walk all over me?
Better yet why do I let you?
I'm sick of the pain and the agony,
of having to be here for you.
Never once have you thanked me,
for going the extra mile.
All you do is stick your nose in the air,
and ignore me the rest of the while.
You think you are better than everyone else.
When, in truth, you're really just dirt.
Why the hell do you play these games?
Sooner or later you'll find yourself dead.
dead in a pile of lies you followed
And your head face down in the sand.
You think I am filth, you think I am trash?
Well to that I say I think you are on crack.
because like it or not we are all the same,
no better than riches or fame.
you can pretend that you're better than me
But the truth is that inside you are just as fucked as me.

Haunted

Sometimes there is no use in crying,
When you see everyone around you dying.
You try to stay strong and you try to hold on,
but eventually everything is taken away.
It may seem like where ever you go troubles not far behind.
Just keep doing everything you can do to try to make it alright.
The pain hits your heart like a knife to the chest.
You find yourself left by yourself alone and half dead.
Your heart becomes hard as if it were stone.
After it is over your left feeling alone and so cold.
It may seem like it doesn't affect you like it does everyone else.
But it haunts you while you are sleeping,
and while you are awake and crying.
No one understands, unless they have been there too.
you may think its over and that you've been screwed.But just hold on and keep pushing through.

GONE

She walks around with her head held high.
Nobody notices that she is about to die.
Always on something or needing a fix,
Never knowing that she is getting caught up in the mix.
She thinks she is invinsible, she thinks she's alright.
She doesn't even realize that life is passing her by.
Everything around her is changing, and yet she stays the same.
Because she's afraid of what it might feel like to take on the blame.
She never listened when she was told to slow down,
And in the end she found herself dead in the ground.
She always believed she had lots of friends,
and yet no one showed up for her in the end.

Sleep Deprived

2005-05-18T04:17:00.000-07:00

I recently switched to the day shift at my job. I thought that this transistion would be easy to get used to...boy was I wrong. I have worked afternoons for the last seven years. For seven years I have been staying up late and sleeping in late. Now it is as if my whole world has been flipped upside down. I try my hardeest to get to bed early enough to get at least 5 hours of sleep before I have to get up for work. My body is refusing to cooperate with me. I think that in all of the time I have worked afternoons, the earliest i had ever gone to bed was Midnight...and that was rare. Now I find myself falling asleep around 3a.m. and then waking up at 4:30a.m., crying because I am so incredibly exhausted all of the time. I understand that everyone has bad days, days that seem to last forever. That is everyday for me now. I get into work at 6a.m., barely awake enough to have driven, and by 6:05a.m. I am counting down the minutes until I get to go home.
I am sure things will eventually get easier for me to deal with. And I am sure that at some point my body will adjust to my new schedule. But in the mean time, i suppose all I can do is exactly what i have been doing. I will continue to wake up crying , and I will continue ot use the serenity prayer as a tool of survival.

Can I get a break?

2005-05-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was a child and my biggest fear was the dark and my biggest dissappointment was finding that one of my brothers had popped the head off of one of my Barbies. I remember being that young and thinking to myslef...I can't wait to grow up. When I was young I just knew that being a grown up was going to be that coolest thing ever. Needless to say now that I am an adult, I wish my only fear was the dark.
When I graduated high school, I entered into the freedom of adulthood. I wish now that i would have taken it more seriously right from the start. But instead, I did exactlly as I had planned. The whole time I was growing up i couldn't wait to get the opportunity to do whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. Well for five years I did just that. The path that i chose for myself back then lead me to numerous dark, scary places. I looked death right in the face a number of times. It was almost as if I was challenging God. I knew what the human body could take and I felt the need to challenge the restrictions placed on us from God. As I look back I wonder how I am still alive. I got into a lot of habits, a lot of really bad habits. I found myself spinning in a downward spiral of drugs, sex, and confusion. By the time I had turned 20 years old I had already been to rehab for depression and drug use. Unfortunatly, i learned nothing from that experience. The day I got out was the day i started up the old habits.
It was August 20, 2004 when everything changed. It was 2 o'clock in the morning and I was seriously messed up. But back then i thought I had everything under control. I was preparing to turn onto the expressway when i saw the red and blue flashing lights behind me. I knew at that very instant that I was going to jail. If not for me being under the influence, than for the fact that i was smoking a joint, and had over an ounce of weed in my truck. It took all of 2 minutes for the arresting officer to walk up to my vehicle, pull me out, handcuff me, and throw me in the back of the police car.
On August 21, I entered my second rehabilitaion center. I had never felt so alone. I was in for 2 weeks this time, and detox was horrifying. For the first three days I did nothing but throw up and cry. When you become as dependant on drugs and alcohol as I was, detox is not only scary but life threatening. On the second day, my body had completly taken over, I could no longer tell myself things were going to be okay. I had 5 seizures my second day of treatment. I thought for sure that i was going to die while I was in treatment.
But again, for some reason...God pulled me through. When I got out of treatment I started going to AA meetings, NA meetings, and church. 8 months later, I was clean, sober, and happy to be alive. Sometimes, God lets us go through things that seem so bad, in order to get our attention.
I was on top of the world. I had finally found happiness with just being me. Maybe I was getting to cocky or maybe it was just time for something bad to happen again, but nothing could have ever prepard me for what was next.
It was May 1, 2005...I had gone over my mother's house before church. When I walked in, I saw her sitting in one of the dining room chairs completly unconsious. next to her were a number of empty pill bottles. As soon as I walked in I could tellwhat happened from the hundreds of chewed up pills falling out of my mothers mouth. In all of my life I had never been so angry. The doctors didn't think she was going to make it. I thought I had prepared myself for the worst. Then by the grace of God she made it. I still had a mother...and then it hit me...I had not had a mother in years. When my parents divorced...she checked out on all motherlly duties. I no longer wonder why i can't open up to people, or why i run from my problems. It is a learned behavior...this is exactly the way i was raised. Now as a grown up it is my duty to work on the issues placed before me because of my upbringing.
I realize now what a responsability it is to be a grown up. It is a responsability I did not choose, but it is a responsability I am stuck with. All I can do is ask God to help me be a positive role model for our youth.